no matter how far i think i've come, i always am cofronted with the reality that i can never escape him. i can never escape how i feel. i can never escape how he makes me feel. how he can hurt me. how easily he can make me happy. i can take comfort in the boys. i can find solace in my friends. but i can never escape the reality that life just isn't complete without him, or at least, life won't be if i stay in this limbo.

yes, its limbo. i'm neither here nor there. i'm neither out nor in. i'm not with him, but i'm married to him. i love him deeply, but i can't show him that i do. i'm not permitted to by these circumstances. i want to understand him, but he won't let me in. he did, once upon a time, but he kicked me out when i became mother and wife.

the pain exists. but i guess i'm able to stand it longer because my skin is getting thicker. i'm more and more immune to the unexplained late nights, and the dozens of young girls he calls friends.

in a way, he's taught me well. i've learned the art of "who could care less" from the master himself. and i'm getting good at it as well. after i write this, i am going to sleep. i will forget that its a thursday night, and its already past 1 am, and he's still not home. despite the fact that he supposedly has work tomorrow. i will not dwell on the fact that i waved a white flag of truce, offered him a peace pact, which he has largely ignored. i will go on pretending that i am not affected. i will hold back the tears a day longer. i will look at myself in the mirror and say "you look great today, and you will be fine", and actually be almost convinced that's the truth.