back on the ride

I thought i got off the roller coaster. i thought i was in control. foolish me.

all that talk about being over it, all that was just bravado. at the slightest sign that things will be fine, i fell for it again, hook line and sinker. only when the monster rears its ugly head do i realize, i've been had. i'm the fool once more. shame on me, a million times over.

more than fixing things, right now, i just wish i'd get over it. i'd get over him. right now, at this moment, things are clear as day. THIS IS IT. this is all he can offer. this is as good as it will ever get. if it hurts me now, if it tempts me to throw in the towel, then i should know that it probably won't get any better. in fact, chances are, it will only get worse. if there's anything that time and tide has proven, its that, it will get worse.

it just hurts when you realize you don't matter anymore. that anything you do, won't affect things. it hurts when you realize that no matter how hard you cry, how genuinely you're hurt, he just doesn't care. you could be hurt a million times more, and he just won't care. that in itself hurts. and as soon as i care as little as he does, the better it will be for me. and as long as i'm good, my kids will be fine.

martin had a recollection today. he was asked to draw up his family tree with a brief description. mine was "Mom-- loves me". his? "dad-- basketball guy". speaks volumes huh...

i want to get off this ride. i want it to stop and i want to get out. i don't want to get back on.