no matter how far i think i've come, i always am cofronted with the reality that i can never escape him. i can never escape how i feel. i can never escape how he makes me feel. how he can hurt me. how easily he can make me happy. i can take comfort in the boys. i can find solace in my friends. but i can never escape the reality that life just isn't complete without him, or at least, life won't be if i stay in this limbo.

yes, its limbo. i'm neither here nor there. i'm neither out nor in. i'm not with him, but i'm married to him. i love him deeply, but i can't show him that i do. i'm not permitted to by these circumstances. i want to understand him, but he won't let me in. he did, once upon a time, but he kicked me out when i became mother and wife.

the pain exists. but i guess i'm able to stand it longer because my skin is getting thicker. i'm more and more immune to the unexplained late nights, and the dozens of young girls he calls friends.

in a way, he's taught me well. i've learned the art of "who could care less" from the master himself. and i'm getting good at it as well. after i write this, i am going to sleep. i will forget that its a thursday night, and its already past 1 am, and he's still not home. despite the fact that he supposedly has work tomorrow. i will not dwell on the fact that i waved a white flag of truce, offered him a peace pact, which he has largely ignored. i will go on pretending that i am not affected. i will hold back the tears a day longer. i will look at myself in the mirror and say "you look great today, and you will be fine", and actually be almost convinced that's the truth.

from me, to him. a white flag of truce

hi.

against what everyone around me is telling me, and against what my thinking self is screaming at the top of its tiny voice, i am writing to you now. not for myself, but for my children.

i don't think i have to explain myself to you, or explain why i am acting the way i am. and i don't
intend to. one, because i don't think i owe you anything, and two, because if i have been anything at all in the past 4 years, it would be talkative, i.e., i don't think i've held back in telling you what i feel and think. so if you don't know why i'm the way i am now, then you haven't been paying attention the last 4 years, and this letter will probaby be totally useless.

but here i am anyway, writing to you, and already regretting it. but i've made up my mind to let you know what's been happening and i'm going to send this to you no matter what.

the oldest boy is affected. BADLY. the baby is too, i'm sure, but the older one is more visibly affected by our situation. and honestly, i don't know what to do. do you know that he talks to the guidance counselor in school? voluntarily? he confessed to me that when he gets bothered by what happens here at home, he goes to talk to her. which is good, at least he has some form of release. but think about it, our problems are so bad, he feels the need to talk to somebody about it. and it’s not you and its not me either. we've screwed up so badly our kid needs to turn to somebody outside the home to find comfort.

maybe a month ago, he woke up and told me he had a bad dream. i asked him what his dream was about, and he said, he dreamt that we were a happy family. we had no money problems, and you and me were happy together, like a real husband and wife team. and i told him, that isn't so bad. in fact, that sounded happy. what was so bad about that? he said, its a bad dream daw cause when he woke up, it wasn't real. i don't know, but that broke my heart.

i'll be honest with you, i'm more able to function with seeing very little of you. It’s easier for me to live life not having to wonder what time you're going home, or getting really pissed off when you walk in at or past midnight. i don't really miss having to mentally or physically count how many days in a month you stay out late, or feeling awful that you're out again with some godforsaken woman, and you can't even spare the time to take me to a movie. i honestly am
so much better off like this, without you. without the constant reminder that you hate me and despise me.

so, the question is, why am i writing. i am better off, true. but that doesn't mean that i think this is right. i continue to live in this house in limbo. you and i are, for all other third persons out there, still together. i noted you changed your friendster status back to married. i would've thought you would appreciate me changing it to single. after all, that's what you want to be right?

so, what's up with that? why am i still here when life is obviously so much better without you. i don't know. maybe i'm too afraid to move on. afraid that when i do finally take that step, i'll forget you completely. and maybe, i don't want to do that. after all, no matter how much i hate you, i honestly think you're the only man i ever really loved.

but love, see love now, doesn't matter any more. i don't think i love you any more either. how can i still love you, after everything you've done, and everything you didn't do to undo what you did? no matter how much i loved you then, that love was bound to die after you betrayed me, and then acted like i owed it to you that you stayed instead of left me.

See, love here is not an issue anymore. I think that at this point, we’re truly at a crossroads. Unlike before, when I was tied down to you, I now can actually make good on my threat. I can leave you now. But I haven’t. why?? Maybe because, like my son, I am hoping that things will be better. The picture of the three of us (me, and the two boys) is beautiful, and soooo right. But it is nonetheless incomplete. You’re not there. And I can’t just take the next willing man, put him in a suit, and make him pose with us to complete the picture. There’s only one person
who can complete that picture. That’s you.

I know, this sounds much like that conversation we had right before we got married. Me convincing you that it was the right thing to do.

I don’t regret marrying you (but god knows sometimes I curse the day we did). I don’t think I would be the person I am now if I didn’t. If we didn’t get married then, to this day, I’d still be wondering and wishing we would get married. And so we did, and now I know what became of that. It’s a failure.

I know, I know, I’m rambling. What’s my point. Here it is. I am getting there. I am getting to the place when I will no longer be able to convince myself I should continue to stay. I am quickly losing all my reasons to love you, even just a little bit, at the back of my head. The smile on my face when I catch a glimpse of the guy I fell for when I was what, 17 (?), fades more quickly than before, gone before I even realized I smiled at all. In other words, I’m only a
hop, skip and a jump away from leaving. Isn’t it proof enough that it’s taken me almost two months after you moved upstairs to write this? And then, only because I found out you’re dangerously close to, if not already, having a relationship with either anette or that other girl, jo, or maybe someone else I don’t know or never even heard of, like jaq.

I’m rambling again. My point is, I’m almost there. i am happy at work, SUPER HAPPY. Both professionally and financially. And I’m also happy there because I have a lot of friends, I am actually socially happy in that office. Freakishly so. And it finally seems like a place I want to stay. Of course, I’m still looking around for a better offer. But professionally, it’s looking good for me. And of course, the boys, the boys always make me happy. Ikaw na lang talaga ang kulang eh. I can’t figure out what I’m supposed to do with you. It’s against everything I believe in to leave you, and at the same time, it’s also against everything I believe in, to stay knowing
you are cheating on me constantly, and that you will never treat me right. And finally, it is against everything I believe in to raise my kids in a one parent home.

This is my offer, and please take it seriously. I am offering you a flag of truce, and a truly clean
slate. I am willing to forget everything that happened before. The minute you accept my offer, I will NEVER bring up your past mistakes. I PROMISE you that. And you know I keep my promises. I will forget about Roslyn, I will forget about anette, I will forget about jo, I will forget about jaq. I will forget about all your past indiscretions, late nights out, irresponsibility with money, and all other things I cannot stand about you. You have the benefit of that clean slate. I will forget all of that, but I hope, if you take my offer, you will not forget about them and remember that those things all contributed to the further deterioration of our already difficult
relationship.

In return, I also ask for a clean slate. I ask that you forget about how I’ve made you feel, how
inadequate and stupid I sometimes make you out to be. Forget how righteous I always am about things, and forget that I sometimes think I am better than you. Forget all the small everyday things I used to do to make you feel insignificant and unimportant. Forget that I hid the older boy from you. Forget that I tried to manipulate things to get what I want. Forget all of
that. But I won’t. I’ll keep them in mind so I don’t end up doing those things again and ruining the clean slate I’m asking for.

Then, let’s start again. This time, not just the three of us (as when we got married), but the four of us na. as a family. It seems SO REASONABLE from where I’m sitting.

No need to rush, this offer is open while I’m still living in your house. You can take it tomorrow,
next week, next month. I will not repeat it. I will not discuss it with you. I will not follow up or
expect a reply. The only reply I will take as an acceptance of my offer is you becoming part of our (me and the boys, individually and as a unit) lives. You can talk to me about it. About what I expect from you, and what you expect from me. But you don’t have to. (and really, you? Want to talk about things…. Hahahahaha… that will be the day). But if you do, that would be great, if you wanted to discuss it. You can even email it, if you don’t want a face to face discussion. Again, it’s up to you. No expectations on my part as regards a reply. You need not move back in to the room, though of course, in my mind, that is the implication of a fresh start. But that is up to you. I would like it if you did, but if you are not willing to sacrifice your family-unfriendly schedule (your late nights), then moving back down here might not be a good idea since, that will already automatically tarnish your clean slate.

I am saying that if you are up to it, I am willing to give it one last try. If, after we both give each
other clean slates, you, or I, or both of us, manage to get it as dirty as it is today, then, that’s it. Nothing more needs to be done. I only ask you for this one last try because of the boys. For the older one, because I am afraid we’re screwing him up. For the baby, because the poor boy will never know what family really is if we split up now. He won’t even have a family picture to look at. That thought is heart wrenching.

Again, make no mistake. I am not doing this for myself. Because if I didn’t have the boys, I would not open myself up to be hurt by you again. Neither am I doing it for the boys alone, because if i didn’t feel the way I do (I don’t know if this is love, or if, as some of my friends say, it’s an addiction) about you, I wouldn’t be writing this at all. In other words, I am now eating my words, and swallowing my pride, because you are my first and only love, and because you are the father of my children who mean all the world to me. And I honestly can never imagine
having complete happiness without all of you.


me

From him about me, thinking i'd never read this

I met her 14 years ago. it was not love at first sight. I was not even that attracted to her. Somehow i was drawn to her. We became friends. Best friends even. I guess she was cute. Short hair. Small head.

We talked alot back then. we'd be one the phone for hours. I'd call her from school. i waited when everyone was asleep to call her at home. Nowadays we hardly talk to each other. we argue more than we talk. She was my best friend and i was in love with her.. Now we have 2 kids. they are the loves of my life now. Not her. We can go on for days without saying a word to each other. She runs to her friends for support while i usually just keep things to myself.

We have so few things in common. It never used to be an issue but now it just keeps coming up. We would just get on each others nerves. I'm surprised that we haven't killed each other.. She has kicked me out of the house a few times but i still come back. Im not really sure why. I know i love her. Yes i do. But sometimes i just can't stand her.. She always tells me to just leave her. I can't do that. I will never leave her.

goodbyes are interesting. sometimes, they're emotional, heart wrenching, loud, angry, tearful. others, well, others are slow. achey, no, not even that. not painful, not achey, just sad. sad because the thought of something so passionate could fizzle out with so little fanfare.... no screamng, no shouting. more akin to a used, worn out favorite shirt that's gone through the wash cycle one time too many. no matter how much you love it, no matter how long you've justified to yourself that its still "wearable", no matter how many re-classifications it's gone through (gimmick, casual, pambahay, pantulog), there will always come a day when you know its reached the end of its useful life. i never thought it would end this way. but it has.

goodbyes are funny.