easter: a new life

yeah, yeah, yeah. cheesy. but really. i'm hopeful that i'm starting a new life. just a coincidence today was easter sunday. i think, really, for the first time in my life, i felt no guilt about leaving him out of my day. i felt no tinge of remorse when i excluded him from the things i planned with my children. that all i honestly felt was a slight bit of amusement at how he tried to get some attention by holding bebeto "hostage" before we left for pasig, as we always do on sundays.

today was easter sunday. my kids and i started the day with an easter egg hunt. he was just upstairs, but he didn't come down. i didn't ask him to. neither did i ask bobot to go up and invite him down. it didn't even cross my mind. i was actually relieved that he stayed upstairs. he would've just ruined it.

i stayed in my room the whole day. he didnt' come in. good. neither bobot nor i wanted to see him.

as we were leaving for pasig to have dinner with my family, he refused to let javi go. he told yaya that he and javi had someplace to go. but when i got down from the car to fetch javi myself, he didn't put up a fight. i got javi, and told him to say goodbye to his dad. i heard his voice, but that was all. he didn't look at me, and i didn't look for him. i didn't even see so much as his shadow. and that didn't bother me. the whole thing just really amused me. no sense of triumph, no feeling of perverted victory at having gotten his attention, or the feeling that he was seeking mine. just a bit of amusement at how petty he is, and how pathetic the games we play are, and how i am so over silly things like that.

i spent the rest of the day shopping. bought shoes for my kids, and myself. shopped for a videocam and a computer. seriously looking at houses. the fact that i have savings makes a big difference. it makes me bolder. helps me face uncertainty with a little bit of bravado. a few bucks in the bank goes a long way for a single (practically) mom's esteem.

as i said, in the spirit of easter, i think i'm going to start a new life.

maybe, the end is near

I know, i know. i've been saying this for years. but really, i think i've had it. i think i'm just about done. i see little or no redeeming value in him. i honestly think he has a psychological disorder, at best. at worst, he is a horrible person, who has no consideration for how others feel, and can only appreciate how things affect him.

just a few things to remind me how awful he's been. about 4 weeks ago, he said, for the millionth time, that we'll work it out. again, although less hopeful than the last time, i said okay. as usual, the first week was fine. we watched a basketball game, and had dinner on a friday night. saturday, i think he went out. tuesday following, we watched a movie, and i actually enjoyed it. next week, sucked. he played poker on a sunday night! sunday. family day, he'd trade for poker. argh. and can i just say that each time there is a family emergency, he's not home? and why should he be home. he's always out. odds are he won't be home when anything important happens. next week was even worse. i needed a ride home, after being out of town the whole day trying to make extra money. he wouldn't give me a ride. his reason? because he was having dinner in greenhills. can you imagine that? dinner? so what if it was the christening of a friend's son. i told him he could go back after he picked me up. and still, is his obligation to that friend more important than his obligation to me? and he didn't even bother to ask me how i got home. he just assumed i'd be fine.

the thursday before that, he was at it again. this whole, its never my fault shit of his. we were getting bobot's report card, when we were told that he didn't have clearance. turns out, bobot hand't paid for the PhP100 fine fo a book he returned to the library late. which was fine. but HE blamed me for not handling it! its all my fault. i asked bobot if he this clearance was done, he said yes. what else should i have done? at least i asked. he didn't even bother to do anything!

and today, today was soo stupid. holy saturday, and he was acting like an asshole! bobot wakes up and has breakfast with the oldies. we had a big brunch. so, i took a nap at around 11ish and slept through lunch. bobot, having a large breakfast, asked if he could do the same. HE said okay. maybe he said it sarcastically, but who knows with him. when bobot woke up, he didn't have lunch.and HE freaked out. got mad at me for not handling the lunch, got mad at the maid for not fixing the lunch, and made bobot cry for not eating!!! worse, he took that stupid computer that was on only for a day, just to make bobot feel worse! as if i need that stupid computer!!! i'm buying bobot his own computer!!! the nerve!

seriously, i really could do without him. he's just a major burden. i cannot think of one thing that he gives that no one else can give and that my children and i cannot live without. not a single thing. what i do need from him, he doesn't give. so why put myself through the paid of knowing he can give it by doesn't? since i don't have it anyway, with or without him, then why keep him around?

i promised to give him till the end of summer. which i will. after that, i will move out. at this point, really, i think this is as good as he can get. i don't think he'll be any nicer, or any more considerate. i think the man i fell in love with is dead. at least to me. at this point, i really have to let go of this major burden. he's holding me back. he's making bobot miserable. he's the only one getting anything from this set up. its about time i start thinking of myself.

> > Jean wrote:> > > miss you buddy.

> Kath wrote:> > miss u too buddy... u may not understand me now but one day you will...

Jean wrote:> you're right i don't... i thought you were smarter than this. i guess in the end you'll both get what you want from each other.> doesn't matter if you hate me after this in the end. i just won't pretend like it's all good. i won't be your ''bestfriend'' and tell you what you want to hear.> i'm sorry. i'll be seeing you around then.

Kat wrote: Yes, you may come too strong and i dont hate you for it. As I've told you... you may not understand me now but you will in time(soon)... And I dont blame you for thinking that bad about me. You have all the right to think what you want to think. I cant control what others think of me anyway. Be assured that all your advices are well taken.

I'll remain your buddy whatever happens... if you wont hate me so much after this.