week 3, day 3

he's off the hook, i think. left no living sign of his indiscretions. thank god.

i feel like we're making headway. but then again, that's how i always feel.

i've been told to trust my gut. but i can't tell the difference between what my gut tells me, and what i want to hear.

he's been home on time. at least the last 2 times he's gone out. and he seems to be committed to this... again, i'm an awful judge of character.

accepted a new job offer. was excited about it. but today, i got word that i might get another, less exciting, but much more stable job.

the quintissential question... stability or your passion. with two small children and a husband who acts like he's a middle child... the stability job seems much more practical.

all told, today's been a good day. we haven't fought so far. i guess that's because i haven't tried to ask him anything and he has had no question to shut up about. maybe i'll leave today a good day. maybe i'll even be nice when he gets home from basketball. maybe its finally going to be better.

but i'm not holding my breath...

week 3, day 2

he's out again. what kind of a @#$@% proby demands too much. 4 nights out a week for himself. pretends to leave me one night a week. how about an hour each night.

goddamn poker night. so what? what will that give him? will that fix things? will that make things better? will it assure me that i won't hurt more? damn... i need a cigarette. no, i need a life.

mang nestor -- seer or scammer

Mang Nestor says

do not travel to the province. An accident awaits.

will attain highest success at age 35

must invest in properties and real estate

the proby will enter into a business dealing with a fair skinned older man

proby may flunk out in 2006-2008. if he survives the probation by age 40, he will flunk it anyway because of another skank.

an older female (around 36-39 years old) will extend invitation to travel in asia, for business or pleasure

must not leave current home before attaining success.

dad or dad2 will be involved in a housing project and will be lucky with it. Will speak to a fair skinned or mulatto colored 40 year old man.

proby and I will be scammed, swindled by a hunchback who walks with a bounce (???) possibly an old friend, a fatherly figure

will find bigger success in agri related business rather than law

will receive invite to a party

proby fixing some papers

foreign company will make a offer and will wine and dine me to make it.

FORTY SEVEN is a dangerous year. Must NEVER admit I am that age. Must LIE and say I AM FREAKING OLDER and say I am 48

new job offer from fair skinned people

will bear a third child, a daughter, through natural delivery (??). This child will be the most intelligent, and will be the one to love and care for me.

will love mumcy most and take care of her in her old age. No surprise there.

trouble with sis in law re financial matters or property

bobot will love proby more than me. Bobot also has rebel streaks. Must guard him well before his next birthday. But he has great business acumen.

proby must stand as godfather in a wedding (huh????)

MUST NOT EXTEND LOANS to dark brown men. Nothing good will come out of it.

if I get through the horrid age of 47, FIFTY NINE will signal strong danger to my health and I may fall ill

Migration plans must be geared towards the country, not the city

will have new found friends, a fair skinned older couple who will be kind. Develop the friendship

bebeto will be good with the arts. Possibly an architect. But will be suplado. Again, no surprise there.

must focus on making new friends and getting along with them. “pakikisama”. Mostly new friends in the horizon, not so much old ones.

may change cars. Thank god. That gas guzzler sucks.

do not buy or trade in jewelry. Not that I would. But I just bought a pair of earrings. But again, mang nestor says this is all prospective.

will handle a sensitive court case and win. Duh…

proby must put all his business dealings down in writing.

will want to repair roof, ceiling and water pipes. Duh…. Not to mention the garden, the pool, the bathroom floors, repaint, the gate, the chandeliers, the busted doorknobs… the electrical wiring, the drapes, the blinds, the windows… the list just goes on.

“ikaw ang ilaw at ginhawa” ni proby. I am his lucky star. If I go, he not only loses, he falls! I knew that all along. He’s the one who needs telling…

will receive lucky call or news.

do not invest in hometowns of parents

proby will attain great financial luck at age 40. but this is also the age he will hook up with another skank. Its classic first wives club…

dad or dad2 will receive financial winfall at the end of the year

maids will leave… they always do.

good spirits guard the home

proby may have difficulty collecting on a debt. He must suggest staggered payments to collect it all.

must not do business with proby. Constant togetherness is bad… what? And I paid P500 to hear what I already know??

bobot is good with people. Must be his magnetic politico personality. Good at making friends, “pakikisama”. Will marry at age 27 or 28 *sob* I’LL NEVER BE READY FOR THAT!

again.. the real estate luck pops up. Will do well selling land. Uhmm…. As tempting as it may sound, I just can’t see myself handing out flyers to passers by and motorists in front of a half finished building sadly trimmed with balloons and a banner saying OPEN HOUSE TODAY

parents will live a long life. NOW THAT’S NEWS I’LL BELIEVE

angelofdeath will be good to parents

will do well with new job. Will be trusted there. But foreign offer still a better, luckier choice. Okay… but will cross bridge when I get there

prone to sickness in the lower body and chest

siok ching might see her kids again. For the sake of proby and his unreleased angst about his childhood, I hope this one is true.

mumcy may have heart problem. Must remind her to have another check up and continue to take the meds.

week 3

if i were to grade it, it would have been pathetic 75. the first was fine. a good start. left a lot to be desired, but it was a thousand percent better than what it had been the past year.

Nicotina was good. nice. good food. great ambience. there was even an unwitting comedy show for the night. "and have a pleasant evening to you all". idiot... :D

sat on the same couch throughout dinner. almost too weird. after a while, it felt almost real. well... almost. except for the part where he was obviously distant.

pizza and pasta. the only thing missing was the fact that it ended too soon. who the hell goes home at 1030 on a saturday night? with a party to go to. our best friend's birthday to boot.

but hey, like i said, something is a helluva lot better than nothing. last week, for the sheer effort of going so far for the place, was an 85.

this week was the saddest yet. went home at the dawn breaking hour of 1130. only because we left at 945.

had a good dinner. firefighters. chicken wings. great food. but that's all it was. dinner. a chore. something to be done. we could have just had a meal at a mcdonald's for all the effort he put in the night.

"you're on probation", i reminded him. he's not acting it. he's a @#$@#. a d@mn self centered, immature, insensitive s*n *f a b!tch. why do i put up with it.

wanted to walk off those damn chicken wings. for some reason, he couldn't bear to go mainstream with me. damn insulting.

the icing on the cake was when he left me to cross the highway by myself. such an insensitive prick. at best, he didn't think. but isn't that the point? he didn't think. he just ran across the g*dd@mn street!

i'm sick and tired of this. screw him.

day 1 -- ground zero

Must not forget the betrayal. I am so stupid that way. Hence the nickname idiot-savant. He can be the biggest ass and I’ll still forgive him. Forgive is fine. But must not forget the betrayal. And the pain that came with it.

Oct 1. afternoon. On the way to mom’s house. idiot proby dropped his extra sim card on the floor.

Did not look, will just return it. Do I have idiot written in big bold red letters across my forehead??? Of course I looked at it.

Must quote this in verbatim.

too late. he got the damn evidence. the temerity.

but i know what i saw. i know what i read. i know what it meant.

perversion. cum. multiple cum. viagra.

but she was honest. young and honest. young, honest, and stupid. young, honest, stupid, and hopelessly naive. young, honest, stupid, hopelessly naive and in love with him.

i asked her, do you want him? i've been at this for 14 loong years. you aren't the first and i'm sure you won't be the last. i'm just too damned tired. i feel like an old, beaten up prize fighter, way past his prime. ready to hang up his gloves. i've done what i can. the rest... well, the rest will be the rest.

she's in love with him. he says he isn't

he'll end it, he says. but he doesn't. she does.

i'm still here. i still doubt. i don't know what will come. but i'm still here. cleaning up other people's sh!t, but i can't clean up my own.