its all over now, and i'm sad, but not devastated

All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can say that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no ohhh

Looking so innocent,
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold
And you got your share of singers
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no, ohhh

You're not sorry no no ohhh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did - before
You're not sorry, no no ohhh

You're not sorry, no no ohhh

Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife four good kids
Who have a way of gettin' on with their lives
I'm not old but I'm gettin' a whole lot older every day
It's too late to keep from goin' crazy
I got to get away

The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be angry all the time

Our boys are strong the spittin' image of you when you were young
I hope someday they can see past what you have become
I remember every time I said I'd never leave
What I can't live with is memories of the way you used to be

The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin' a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be angry all the time

Twenty years have came and went since I walked out of your door
I never quite made it back to the one I was before
And God it hurts me to think of you
For the light in your eyes was gone sometimes
I don't know why this old world can't leave well enough alone

The reasons that I can't stay don't have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin' a man shouldn't have to be this rough
You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind
I don't know why you gotta be angry all the time

so over

me: are you still okay? can i still walk around?

him: yes go ahead. i'm fine.

me: underwear sale. do you need jocks? text size and preferred brand.

him: i'll choose myself later

me: is it over?

him: just finished

me: why didn't you call me?!

me: hindi ako manghuhula. di ko alam nainis ka na matagal ako at d ka pa nakapaglalakad. ikaw ang nag suggest na lumabas ako. hindi ka din manghuhula. wag mo isipin na alam mo ang iniisip ko. ang klaro lang, wala na tayong respecto sa isa't isa. d ko maitatago itong nangyari sa magulang ko. mahirap magkunwari na nakapanood ako. wag na tayong magpanggap na kasal tayo. tama na. umuwi ka na sa inyo. mag usap na lang tayo sa hatian ng gastos. sabihin mo kung kelan ka maghahakot ng gamit para handa ako. kung gusto mo sumabay papunta apartment, d2 ako sa coffee bean, katabi ng golds gym. alis ako in 10 minutes kc kailangan ko magsundo ng laundry.

me:wag ka na umuwi please. save me the trouble of locking you out. i'm serious. we're done. the kids don't have to see this.

him: let me move out tomorrow. i don't want to keep coming back for my things.

me: ok

give j my notice

J

Could anyone be loved anymore
than I love you
does it hurt you too?
But J
I've been feeling small too long
I love you so
but something's wrong

and I come running when you want me here
and when you want me to, I disappear

Give J my notice

I knew if I made it easy for you
you'd settle for me, yeah eventually
but J
I won't be your bitch anymore
and follow you 'round
and hold the door

and I can't do this any longer
the vacuum left is so much stronger

Give J my notice
Give J my notice

J you know I'm not mad anymore
at least most of the time
but that could take a while
I've been living just to see you smile
every once in a while

Tears fall
but that don't mean nothing at all
It's just cause I said it first
yeah, that's why it hurts

And I'm not sorry if you're not sorry
And you're not sorry until I make you

Give J my notice
Give J my notice
Give J my notice
Give J my notice
My notice

out of mind, out of heart

last night, at about 245 am. i woke up. i looked around. and saw someone with his back towards me. i was upset. why is your back turned towards me. i reached out to hug that someone. then i stopped. good god. it was you. i thought it was someone else. it was that someone else i wanted to hug. it was that someone else i felt bad about his back being turned. when i woke up enough to realize where i was, and whose back it was that was turned, i was sad.

sad that it was you, not him.
sad that i thought it was him, not you.
sad that at this moment, you are not in my heart.
sad that after being devastated by your coldness towards me, i am now just as cold to you.
i never really thought i'd see this day.
when i no longer think about you
when i no longer care what happens
when i no longer want things to work
when you are no longer in me
out of mind talaga, and out of heart. :*(

bells

hmmm... why bells. alarm bells? no,no emergency. church bells perhaps. maybe. church bells,not wedding bells.

bells are on my mind. the same, monotone, slow ringing of bells. hmm... as in a funeral.

its over. i care no more.i have no feelings. ok fine, there are still feelings. but the only ones left are those of resentmet. why are you still here. leave. i am happy now. but it has nothing to do with you. you have actually and officially become the proverbial fly in my ointment.

no tears. no more tears. the well has indeed run dry. there is no remorse for me. i did everything i could, and then some. there is no guilt, no feeling of sayang. there is someone else. someone i cant have, yes. but there is someone.

no more waiting. i've left you behind. i the truest sense. i just want you to leave. we have no future left.

hmmm... i can seriously hear bells. funeral bells. leave now j. leave na please.

fait accompli

i finally did it. 1 october 2007. mark the day. i left. well, he told me to go. what could i do. i actually rented an apartment already. paid the rent and all. soooo difficult. didn't realize it would be this hard. andito na eh. bite the bullet na lang siguro. i can think of a million other cliches. and yes, when the drama actually happens to you for real, the cliches make sense. sadness. :*(

easter: a new life

yeah, yeah, yeah. cheesy. but really. i'm hopeful that i'm starting a new life. just a coincidence today was easter sunday. i think, really, for the first time in my life, i felt no guilt about leaving him out of my day. i felt no tinge of remorse when i excluded him from the things i planned with my children. that all i honestly felt was a slight bit of amusement at how he tried to get some attention by holding bebeto "hostage" before we left for pasig, as we always do on sundays.

today was easter sunday. my kids and i started the day with an easter egg hunt. he was just upstairs, but he didn't come down. i didn't ask him to. neither did i ask bobot to go up and invite him down. it didn't even cross my mind. i was actually relieved that he stayed upstairs. he would've just ruined it.

i stayed in my room the whole day. he didnt' come in. good. neither bobot nor i wanted to see him.

as we were leaving for pasig to have dinner with my family, he refused to let javi go. he told yaya that he and javi had someplace to go. but when i got down from the car to fetch javi myself, he didn't put up a fight. i got javi, and told him to say goodbye to his dad. i heard his voice, but that was all. he didn't look at me, and i didn't look for him. i didn't even see so much as his shadow. and that didn't bother me. the whole thing just really amused me. no sense of triumph, no feeling of perverted victory at having gotten his attention, or the feeling that he was seeking mine. just a bit of amusement at how petty he is, and how pathetic the games we play are, and how i am so over silly things like that.

i spent the rest of the day shopping. bought shoes for my kids, and myself. shopped for a videocam and a computer. seriously looking at houses. the fact that i have savings makes a big difference. it makes me bolder. helps me face uncertainty with a little bit of bravado. a few bucks in the bank goes a long way for a single (practically) mom's esteem.

as i said, in the spirit of easter, i think i'm going to start a new life.

maybe, the end is near

I know, i know. i've been saying this for years. but really, i think i've had it. i think i'm just about done. i see little or no redeeming value in him. i honestly think he has a psychological disorder, at best. at worst, he is a horrible person, who has no consideration for how others feel, and can only appreciate how things affect him.

just a few things to remind me how awful he's been. about 4 weeks ago, he said, for the millionth time, that we'll work it out. again, although less hopeful than the last time, i said okay. as usual, the first week was fine. we watched a basketball game, and had dinner on a friday night. saturday, i think he went out. tuesday following, we watched a movie, and i actually enjoyed it. next week, sucked. he played poker on a sunday night! sunday. family day, he'd trade for poker. argh. and can i just say that each time there is a family emergency, he's not home? and why should he be home. he's always out. odds are he won't be home when anything important happens. next week was even worse. i needed a ride home, after being out of town the whole day trying to make extra money. he wouldn't give me a ride. his reason? because he was having dinner in greenhills. can you imagine that? dinner? so what if it was the christening of a friend's son. i told him he could go back after he picked me up. and still, is his obligation to that friend more important than his obligation to me? and he didn't even bother to ask me how i got home. he just assumed i'd be fine.

the thursday before that, he was at it again. this whole, its never my fault shit of his. we were getting bobot's report card, when we were told that he didn't have clearance. turns out, bobot hand't paid for the PhP100 fine fo a book he returned to the library late. which was fine. but HE blamed me for not handling it! its all my fault. i asked bobot if he this clearance was done, he said yes. what else should i have done? at least i asked. he didn't even bother to do anything!

and today, today was soo stupid. holy saturday, and he was acting like an asshole! bobot wakes up and has breakfast with the oldies. we had a big brunch. so, i took a nap at around 11ish and slept through lunch. bobot, having a large breakfast, asked if he could do the same. HE said okay. maybe he said it sarcastically, but who knows with him. when bobot woke up, he didn't have lunch.and HE freaked out. got mad at me for not handling the lunch, got mad at the maid for not fixing the lunch, and made bobot cry for not eating!!! worse, he took that stupid computer that was on only for a day, just to make bobot feel worse! as if i need that stupid computer!!! i'm buying bobot his own computer!!! the nerve!

seriously, i really could do without him. he's just a major burden. i cannot think of one thing that he gives that no one else can give and that my children and i cannot live without. not a single thing. what i do need from him, he doesn't give. so why put myself through the paid of knowing he can give it by doesn't? since i don't have it anyway, with or without him, then why keep him around?

i promised to give him till the end of summer. which i will. after that, i will move out. at this point, really, i think this is as good as he can get. i don't think he'll be any nicer, or any more considerate. i think the man i fell in love with is dead. at least to me. at this point, i really have to let go of this major burden. he's holding me back. he's making bobot miserable. he's the only one getting anything from this set up. its about time i start thinking of myself.